Everyone, I believe, has multiple facets to their personality. I have two, one a traditional, conservative, decent telugu kid and the other, an outgoing, openminded, carefree, westernized confused kid. This 'split' personality has translated into my lack of conviction about the kind of girl I want or need. When I interact with my undergrad friends and my family, I tend to be the first kind of me, so I, at that very moment, tend to be interested in a homely, traditional girl. Next moment, I find myself in the company of, say, Harish and Sammie, and the whole paradigm shifts and a 'modern' girl appeals to me.
With every girl I had to talk with, I say the exact same things verbally- that I am reasonable, practical, I smoke, I booze, I party over the weekends, I love rock music, hate telugu movies or songs, hate IT, I am a semi 'gult', not so very inclined to settling in US, I am not money oriented, I am very particular about 'she' working, I shy away from 'decisions' and 'responsibilities', . But the tone in which I say projects me as someone that they are not interested in..
With a conservative and traditional girl, my involuantary words/actions tend to project myself as a pseudo 'gult', with a prejudice against 'gults', and from the girl's perspective, I probably would be a non-compromising guy with a preconceived condescending notion about 'certain' things. With a girl who, say, likes Pink Floyd, the tone, involuantry again, would be pretty toned down and I come across as a shy, confused guy and may be a guy with low self-confidence.
Well, there is another reson for my 'dual-mode'; I am scared to hilt by the mere fact that arranged marriage in itself is a risky proposition. And when I interact with any kind of girl in that confused state of fear, I tend to be more inclined towards the other kind.
Smoking and boozing, I guess, recude my chances even further. But I believe its always better to be bare-faced about them, rather to lie about it. I know a bunch of friends who didnt admit it with their fiancee before marriage, and when the 'wife' came to know about it, they promised they quit, but yet continue to smoke. I dont want to be one. By being brazen about my habits I do not mean to flaunt it, I am being frank and unpretentious about it.... however, I agree that it is a hard point to convey in a single one-on-one meeting or a couple of emails/calls. Another counter argument is that if I think I could quit it after the marriage, why the f*** can I not stop it NOW!! ...
Had a wonderful and yet disturbing last couple of weeks. No regrets what soever.. I need to fix myself before I start cribbing about the girls. As a first step, I officially am quitting smoking again!!
Song: Sprite Commercial
Mood: Relaxed!!!
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